Peanut and Poppy

OK, so I think this is really cool. And, yes, before I get into it, I realize that not everyone looks at situations as I do. I realize that I get funny looks from some people when I talk about the things that are happening in my life and how I interpret these things to be God-driven. I’m OK with that. Well, most of the time. Should I be? Anyway, I digress.

So, my church — my church that I adore — is turning 10 this Sunday. And you know who else is hitting a milestone this Sunday? Yours truly. This achy breaky body is turning 30. I’ve ignored my birthday, pretending that we’ll go from October 24th to October 26th in the blink of an eye. Instead, focusing all of my emotional and physical attention on the fact that my baby is turning 3 just a week later. It’s been a great avoidance technique.

And then a friend of mine gave me a new perspective on my birthday. She said that it’s the beginning of a new decade. A new decade. A new. Start. Huh? I know. It doesn’t make sense unless you are in my head, or have been by my side non-stop over the past 10 years.

A lot of people know “my story” to be one with the loss of a baby at the core. The loss of a baby that started, and defines, my walk with God. Which is not 100% so.

What my story here addresses is the reason behind my blog. For the people that are new to my life in the past two years, that’s all they know — the part where I discovered my faith right when we lost of our first pregnancy. What this version of my story doesn’t address is what led me to that point. When we lost Poppy, why was I positioned to accept God into my heart? Why was it something that I wanted and not something that I fought?

Because I had spent the previous four years searching for relief. Relief from the pain that I held in connection with the life that I led several years before that. No amount of time or saying that I was over it could make that guilt go away. But promises of love and forgiveness from something higher most certainly could. I had faith that He was who He said He was. For whatever unexplainable reason, I just had faith. And that’s why I welcomed Him with open arms when He appeared to me right before Poppy’s death. Finally, something to love me despite my shortcomings, and take away the sting of death.

Although I finally believe that I am forgiven and no longer carry the guilt of my “previous life”, I’ve continued to keep it hidden in darkness over the past few years. A lot of people know this “secret” because they were a part of my life in some capacity during that season. But when that season was over, I packed up the memories like last year’s clothes and hid them under my bed in a large tupperware container, never to be looked at again. But, my birthday. My birthday that pushes me into the next, new decade of my life, is offering me an opportunity to dig out that box and let those issues come to light. To allow God an opportunity to stop my desire to hide the parts of my life that I have seen as devastating and dark for the past several years.

So, I get an email from my church. An email that asks me to be a part of their 10th anniversary sermon. Without spoiling the program for everyone on Sunday, I’ll just say that the church is offering me an opportunity to publicly unveil this past of mine that has been hidden and collecting dust for so long. Woah. What? Unveil my secret to one person is daunting enough — but to 6,000+? Yikers. So, I bounced back and forth — should I simply stay comfortable and talk about our past two years with the baby and losses? Or do I accept this challenge and jump in with both feet? After much conversation with friends, lots of talking with Jimmy, and hours in personal thought, I chose the path of most resistance. Bringing my dark to light.

And since I made the decision to take this opportunity to attack that dark past head-on, I have been moved in so many ways. I am elated beyond words (rare, I know) about Sunday. I’m still ignoring the fact that I will be leaving my 20s behind and entering the wonderful world of backs that crack when doing somersaults, ankles that snap when they are run on too frequently, and knee skin that sags even when flexed. But I am embracing this birthday as an opportunity to heal an area that has been so sensitive to me for nearly 10 years. To accept His invitation and come out of the darkness. To start a new decade as the 100% exposed, skeleton-free Hilary.

So not only do I think it’s extremely cool that my church is entering a new decade the exact same day as me, and the fact that they are offering me a chance to do something that I have desperately needed for so long, I think it’s amazing that God used my run today to, yet again, encourage me to take this extremely frightening step. Once again, on the cool down lap of my run this morning, a song came on that gave me chill bumps. All. Over. My. Body.

I once was fatherless,
a stranger with no hope;
Your kindness wakened me,
Awakened me, from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply,
a call to come and die.
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take your life.

Sin has lost it’s power,
death has lost it’s sting.
From the grave you’ve risen
VICTORIOUSLY!

Into marvelous light I’m running,
Out of darkness, out of shame.
By the cross you are the truth,
You are the life, you are the way

My dead heart now is beating,
My deepest stains now clean.
Your breath fills up my lungs.
Now I’m free. now I’m free!

Lift my hands and spin around,
See the light that i have found.
Oh the marvelous light
Marvelous light
Lift my hands and spin
See the light within…

I’ll post the video of Sunday’s service early next week when it’s available. And let me just say that I realize, to some, my “secret” is insignificant. Silly to a few, and serious to others. But, sin is sin. Whatever you think of my particular darkness, or if you think of it at all, is not the point. I need it out from under my bed for me. For my relationship with Him. For my healing. And, maybe (hopefully) to help others bring their own darkness out, enjoying the marvelous light for themselves. I cannot wait to take Satan’s power away so that he has nothing left to dangle over my heart. Goodbye, guilt. Hello, forgiveness. Now I’m free. Now. I’m. Free.

There are several songs out right now that are resonating with me. One in particular is “One Life to Love” by 33 Miles. The whole song is awesome. But the chorus is what really hits my heart.

You only get just one time around
You only get one shot at this
One chance to find out the one thing that you don’t wanna miss
One day when it’s all said and done
I hope you see that it was enough
This one ride, one try, one life to love

The past two years have been filled with this “project.” We’ve focused all of our emotional energy on trying to get pregnant, and have been consumed by the resulting rollercoasters and losses. I have been so overwhelmed with wanting another baby. If I wasn’t busy with doctor’s appointments, I was in deep thought about my scientific diagnosis, or on my knees begging God to answer my prayer.

Baby baby baby. It was my goal and I was going to achieve it.

I am not discounting the desire for another baby. We still want one. Desperately. But, I have discovered that I have lost sight of what this life is about. It’s not about what I want. It’s not about the big house on the water and 2 young children playing in the backyard that I pictured for myself. It’s about celebrating our blessings. Serving God. Loving our family and thanking Him for the beautiful house that we have and the MIRACLE child that plays in the pool with me every weekend. I am kicking myself for letting this “project” take over my life for so long. To be honest, I feel like a selfish, ungrateful butthead.

Do I continue to want, and pray for, another baby? Absolutely. But, I have started to pray that I will desire what God desires for me. Instead of what I desire for me. Because what God has blessed me with is enough. More than enough. I read too many blogs about childhood cancer and horrible car accidents. We are so blessed to have our health and safety. SO blessed. I can’t say it enough. Again, such a butthead for wanting more.

My eyes are now focused on the beautiful, full life that I have. Not the one that my measly brain thought was right.

Because I only get one chance to find out what I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to miss the life that I have been blessed with because I am selfishly focused on my plan. I don’t want to miss this life either.

I know I have been fairly quiet here lately. And it’s not for lack of activity. One of the major reasons is that I am without a camera. I had to send it away for repairs because I finally got tired of the mysterious black planet that appeared in every single photo. Hopefully, I will have it back in a week or so.

I have also been silent about a topic that has ruled our lives for the past two years. This blog was created to, first, celebrate Taylor. And, second, to journal our walk as we attempt grow our family. Ya’ll walked with us through the life and loss of Poppy. And Cupcake. And many other younger babies that, we discovered, weren’t meant to have a life here on earth. We have grown tremendously as parents, children, spouses, and Christians throughout the past two years. And, because it hasn’t been discussed on here for a few months, doesn’t mean that the growing has stopped. In fact, it has flourished.

Over the past two months, we have continued our efforts in getting pregnant, only to determine recently, that now is apparently not our time. To be honest, at first, I was devastated to come to this conclusion. In fact, I spent a good two days screaming and hollering at my new-found realization.

But, in the words of Larry Crabb, author of Shattered Dreams: God’s Unexpected Pathway to Joy, we “scream and holler until the terror of life so weighs us down that we discover solid ground beneath our feet.”

That solid ground is His love.

He continues, “…it should be clear that suffering, so integral to the life of Christ and His followers, is in fact among the highest forms of good. As we stop kicking against the goads, and allow our trials to produce their ‘perfect work,’ we too, by God’s grace, can experience the supernatural passage from human happiness to unspeakable joy.”

Over the past couple of days, I have spent hours and hours in prayer; had long talks with God, long hugs from Taylor, deep conversations with myself and my husband; and heard a very pertinent sermon on Sunday. And, finally, I am starting to feel the solid ground beneath my feet.

During the Sunday service, I related all too well to the lyrics of one of the worship songs:
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

That visual brought me to tears. It so perfectly described how I felt. So susceptible. So powerless. So out. Of. Control. In all facets of my life, the thought of being out of control is gut-wrenching. But, now, today, I will confront that fear. Because letting go of control is allowing Him to gain control.

When all of a sudden
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
I realize just how beautiful you are
And how great your affections are for me

And, as our worship leader sang those words, it was if I was living in them. All of a sudden, my afflictions were eclipsed by glory.

I found hope again.

So, under guidance of our pastor, we’ve decided to Stop, Obey and Declare our Trust.

We’re going to stop trying to control the direction of our lives. We will pray every day that another miracle baby will bless our lives, but we will not focus all of our energies on this “project”. Instead, we will focus our eyes on Him. We will obey. We will allow God to move in our lives. And, if He chooses to move us to take another step in the growth in our family, we will certainly take that step. But, until we feel that He is urging us to do so, we are going to declare our trust in His plan.

I believe strongly that our family is not yet complete. I want another child desperately. But, it’s time we count our blessings instead of ask for more. It’s time for Taylor. And time we allowed Him control of our lives.

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Romans 8:28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.